The Labyrinth

Sincerity is defined as “Honesty of purpose or character; Freedom from hypocrisy, deceit or simulation.”

Studying Mormonism I was asked “are you sincere?” over and over. The reason being that I asked “difficult” questions. If I ever started showing their error in an answer given to a question it was assumed that I wasn’t sincere in finding the truth. As Mormonism is the cornerstone of all that is true. Or so they think. I found very quickly that if I wanted to ask a difficult question I could. I just couldn’t argue the answer. If I did they’d stop talking to me. So I came up with the “don’t tell, ask” policy. Where a question would start broad and more specific questions would be asked based on the answers given. That works rather well to get them to open up. Until you slam them into a wall which a solid question. Then they stop talking to you.

I’d known about the doctrine of becoming a god before I even started. Therefore I knew the church was false from the beginning. I just had to prove it. But not just to myself. To prove something to yourself alone and think it’s something is arrogant and foolish. To prove something to someone else is the goal.

My goal from the beginning was to prove the church false once and for all. Once and for all being a personal thing. Anyone can tell you no one has succeeded in stopping the church for good. There are too many people out there willing to bet 10% of their earnings that the church is true. I could only end the personal belief that maybe there was a slight chance of the church being true.

Within a few months of studying I had a good number of studies of doctrines the church taught that were questionable. Also contradictions within the books of the church. Nothing but those things mattered. If you only looked at the good of something, you would believe it was good. It could still be evil but you wouldn’t know because you never checked out the things that might be wrong. So I ignored the good doctrines of which there are few, and focused on the potentially false ones.

I knew from talking to people on-line that presenting my real intentions would label me an “anti-Mormon” which effectively ends any credibility you have. So I came up with a catch phrase to keep people from digging father into what I was doing than I would allow. “I’m searching for the truth.” And I was and still am. I know Protestantism is so diverse that I’ve stopped calling myself a Lutheran and cast off any ties to “Lutheran” doctrines. I’m a Christian searching for absolute Christian doctrine. If Lutheranism was right in some areas that doesn’t make me a Lutheran. I’m still a Christian. I won’t hold to any doctrine that I haven’t studied out and have found a solid answer to. Prove the doctrine not the man is my new motto.

So that’s what “I’m searching for the truth,” meant to me. It had nothing to do with Mormonism because I knew that finding true Christian doctrine would reveal the great error of the LDS church. But saying that to them who already know the truth, they believed me to be sincerely seeking their version of the truth that they believed I would ultimately find. And they were more than eager to help me.

In the fall of 98 I attended the local LDS Institute. I was not there to witness to them but rather to learn their doctrines. I took every class they offered. If I remember correctly I took 12 classes in one year. 7 one semester and 5 the second. At the end of the first semester my D&C teacher e-mailed me asking if I was sincere in my studies. For the first time I actually said exactly how I felt about the church and what my intentions were. I was sincerely seeking to get rid of the church that was a lie. Later I heard that he told my girlfriend’s mom “looks like we have a little beast on our hands.” Honesty. Don’t play that game. That’s what I learned. I had also posted the temple ceremonies with a biblical analysis, and the temple recommend questions on my web-site which my girlfriend and her family knew about. All that along with “The Perfect Sacrifice” ended our relationship.

It was the end of the semester and we had a good break. During which I organized the four gospels. I knew that searching for the true Christian doctrines would destroy the church before yet it wasn’t until then I actually did it. I went back the second semester and had the same D&C teacher who was a little more than shocked to see me again. But everything was changed. Before the doctrines seemed tempting but now I couldn’t take it seriously at all. I had disproved the godhood doctrine by using every verse the LDS had proving it. Simply by filling in the other half of the story which I learned by studying the four gospels.

Because being up front about my studies verified that I should continue being essentially deceitful about what I was doing because not doing so had cost me so much. I decided to continue the act again the next semester. Shortly after I was dating the LDS girl again. During the second semester I took the opportunity to go to a fireside where two of the seventy were coming. I even shook their hands afterwards. The institute director was so thrilled he rushed me ahead so I was sure to get the opportunity. “He’s investigating the church” he told the elder. Nothing. The elder just smiled and shook my hand like everyone else. But it sealed it. When I graduated with a four-year degree in one year, that was the crowning moment. To me it was the end of the greatest lie I ever lived. And I pulled it off nearly flawlessly.

But as with all lies, eventually you have to let it go. I didn’t like being so fake. The only people I could talk to seriously about LDS doctrine and argue with were the members on a mailing list. Those weren’t the people I cared about. I had tried to talk to those I did care about but they didn’t want to listen. Because of the emotional strain I stopped my studies exactly one year after I officially started studying. In that time I did over 300 pages of bible studies and a couple hundred LDS doctrinal studies. The whole time the only people I really felt comfortable discussing things with were my friends who had no set religion.

So I guess for a school year I was the biggest liar who ever lived. Now, if I think anyone is being fake I get upset. I don’t want to have to play the system to make them think I’m on their side so I can slowly work the truth into them. I don’t want them to play me like a fool. And I don’t want to be forced to make them play the fool. I would like so much for people to get off their high horse of “truth” and learn to defend themselves when someone openly disagrees with them. Especially authority figures. Instead of “insincere” or “anti-Mormon” the new justification for ignoring me is “arrogant.” But that’s another topic I’ll cover later.